Hi, my name is Shalee, and I am seventeen years of age. Biologically, I am female. Shalee is also the name I was given at birth, and I use this name 90% of the time, with the accompanying she/her pronouns. I am a proud part of the *trans community, and I identify as genderfluid.
As long as I can remember, I’ve realized that I was a bit different. But it wasn’t until I was in about 7th grade that I realized that there was a name for what I had always felt; Genderfluid.
I remember, from the age of birth until about age seven, that I always felt more masculine as opposed to feminine. I vividly recall my parents allowing me to go shirtless as a child, and I would also always wear my younger brother’s boxers.
My parents didn’t mind; They just thought I was a “tomboy.” Stranger’s always thought that my younger brother and I were twins boys, because he and I both had long hair, and wore boy’s clothing. As a child, I always neglected that atypical girl’s toys.
Instead of playing with dolls, I’d push them aside in favor of my younger brothers toy cars and army men. But when I turned seven, and my body started changing, my parents knew that it was no longer appropriate for me to go shirtless, wear “boys” clothing, and play with “boys” toys.
It was around this time, when my body was changing and developing, and my parents behavior changed towards me, that I realized something wasn’t right. Once I was in middle school, and I realized that I could finally put a name to what I was feeling, I came out to my friends in 8th grade.
I lost all of my friends. None of them wanted to be around me anymore. My life lacked acceptance, and I felt like I needed to change who I was, and continue to present myself as solely female, use my birth name, and she/her pronouns at all times.. Just to be able to keep my friends.
That same year, I also made the mistake of mentioning to my family that I am Pansexual. They freaked; I got smacked across the face by my grandmother. “I’m going to ground you from your phone. I’ll tell the school you aren’t allowed to have any friends.” “God doesn’t make any mistakes, you need therapy. What you’re telling me doesn’t exist. It’s just a bunch of Satanist’s trying to put ideas in your head.” “They’re trying to convert you and take you away from God.”
Those are just a few things that were screamed at me. I felt so alone, neglected, and hurt. I wanted nothing more to be accepted, loved, and nurtured at a time when I needed it most. I tried to kill myself. And afterwards, I receive no help for my suicide attempt. My grandmother screamed, “Go ahead, kill yourself! It’ll be on your hands, not mine.” I was being abused, because of my family’s lack of understanding and their surplus of ignorance that accompanied.
I never came out to my family as genderfluid, which is why I still used my birth name most of the time, she/her pronouns, and present feminine. I turn eighteen in four months. My life hasn’t been perfect, and I’ve lost a lot of people. But I am who I am, and I refuse to change for anyone. I don’t NEED anyone’s acceptance.
I’ve made it this far, I can make it four more months. Just four more months, and I’m free. But there are many other’s out there who are not free, and won’t be for a long time. Our youth, especially *trans youth, are our future generation. And we need to provide safety for them, not persecution.
We cannot change ourselves anymore than anyone else can. “God doesn’t make mistakes.” you may say. I’m not Christian, but I’m sure he doesn’t make mistakes. Therefore, this must be part of his plan. If there’s anyone reading this, who feels as though suicide is the only option for them..I’m here to tell you that it isn’t.
You are not alone, and I can understand that this is not an easy fight to endure. But there’s a quote that I came up with years ago, that I say to myself when I feel like giving up. And I’m going to put it here, in the hopes that it’ll help someone else.
When you feel like giving up, remember: You may lose this battle, but you will win this war.
Don’t let them win. You’re strong, and I believe in you. Leelah wanted her death to mean something; It does. It’s time to put an end to this cycle of ignorance and abuse. You.Are.Not.Alone. Don’t give up.
You may lose this battle, but you will win this war.
Always remember that. Thanks for reading.
I’m so proud of you for pulling through and I’m glad you didn’t kill yourself I’m sure you are an amazing person with a great future ahead of you. 🙂
Hi, Cody! Thank you for taking the time to comment on my story, and thank you for the compliments!
They mean a lot; More than you could probably ever know. It’s fulfilling to know that some people actually took time to read my long, disorganized mess of a story. So, once again, thank you so much! (:
No problem Shalee if you ever need anything or need someone to talk to feel free to email me at [email protected] anytime 🙂
Im so glad you said you don’t NEED acceptance, because no one HAS to accept someone’s sexuality, & you don’t HAVE TO care! I honestly feel its a matter of self esteem. Love you, regardless. According to God’s word homosexuality is wrong, & none of this is HIS will, but all of the devil. Ok. BUT there’s nothing that says hate someone for their sexuality. Love the person, hate the sin. People go overboard with that. I’m glad your in touch with YOU
Hey, Bri! Wow, thank you for your kind words of acceptance! They certainly mean a lot to me, and I’m really glad you noticed that specific part of my story.
I put that there for a reason, that reason being, to show other transgendered teens and young adults that they aren’t alone in their battles, and that while acceptance is something that people naturally desire, it certainly isn’t NECESSARY.
Because someday, they will be able to break free from their families suffocating grasp, and transition, and surround themselves with people that DO love and accept them unconditionally.
So, once again, thank you thoroughly for being so kind, reading my story, and offering kind words and support. YOU’RE AWESOME, ahaha. (:
I’ll be honest that made me tear up, I may not be transsexual or gender-fluid, but i do understand the level of ignorance people throw around about those topics. In 20 years ignorance will be much less but now when a new era of history is forming, where do we turn? To each other, to the ones who actually care.
I’m glad you are still around to share this and I hope anyone having issues reads this, even if just to feel better about who they are. We as a generation will win this war.
But more than anything, we will be the generation that starts the war on hate.
Hi, Dameon! Thank you for taking the time to respond, your kind words are greatly appreciated. I’m glad that you found my story touching, and I couldn’t agree more with your opinions!
I can certainly imagine there being much more social acceptance for transgendered individuals in 5-10 years, for sure. It’s unfortunate that we aren’t widely accepted as of yet, but we’re certainly making baby steps, and it’s brave individuals such as Leelah, who are making history by sacrificing their lives for the rest of us.
It’s unfortunate that it happened, but it seems that when people start dying, others start listening. I’m glad that I’m still here, too. I hope this empowers or enlightens someone else, which is why I posted such a deeply personal story. Again, thank you for your kind words, Dameon!