I wrote this post for my blog in Leelah’s memory. All of us, whether or not we are parents, need to support our youth. You can read more at my blog: http://rainbowspiritblog.wordpress.com/
On December 28, 17-year-old transgender teen Leelah Alcorn committed suicide near her Ohio home. “Home,” though, seems like a misnomer. It seems Leelah never had a true home, a place where she felt affirmed, accepted, and loved for the unique person she was. When she came out to her family, they reacted with anger and disrespect. Her parents, she wrote, took her out of school and took away her phone so she couldn’t have contact with supportive friends. They took her to so-called “Christian” therapists for her depression. They used their beliefs to condemn their child, denying her deeply felt identity as a trans* girl.
It’s painfully clear that Leelah’s parents had no idea how to support a transgender child. What can we who are parents, and we who have children in our lives, do to support the free development of all children?
At this point, neither of my kids show any sign of being trans*, but I believe it’s important to avoid sending any messages that my kids will only be loved or valued if they continue to identify with the gender on their birth certificate, or that we expect them to grow up straight. For me, as a parent of young children, supportive parenting is primarily about defending my children’s freedom from traditional gender roles. We buy the toys that interest them, which means they have dolls and trucks. We teach our boys to cook and care for people.
A lot of what I do as a parent is subtle. When, as a little kid, my son told me he wanted to be a waitress when he grew up, I didn’t correct his pronouns or steer him toward a male occupation. Kids are kids. They’re imagining. And I want them to be free to imagine themselves just as they want to.
My kids both remember when I volunteered and made calls for marriage equality in our state, and they know we believe everyone has the right to marry the person they love. From their earliest years, when my kids have inquired about what would happen when they were older, and have wondered if they would start a family, I’ve referred to the “special person” that they might one day find. I have no idea if they’ll marry women, men, or noone at all. I want my language to affirm for them that I don’t care what gender person they love, if they fall in love- what I want is for my child to be happy. I am careful to tell them that I’ll love them whether they get married or stay single. I want them to know I love them for who they are, not for what they do or who they love.
We make sure they see gentle men and strong, interesting female characters in the books they read, and that we read to them. Yes, I read them “Free To Be…You And Me,” though ironically, for my children, in a new generation, it introduced them to the the concept of sexism, an idea that hadn’t occurred to them before. They question gender roles and stereotypes all the time. Recently, when watching an old-school “Lassie” movie, one of the male characters was fighting back tears because he was ashamed to cry. My son shouted out, “Poor guy! Doesn’t he know it’s all right to cry?”
If we take our children to religious services, we need to make sure we are taking them to religious communities that support and affirm them just as they are, no matter who they are. Christians can find welcoming congregations through Believe Out Loud: http://www.believeoutloud.com/take-action/find-your-community Find welcoming synagogues on the following interactive map http://batchgeo.com/map/9541d87512cb17fd5040c3fdcf525b1a from The Institute for Judaism & Sexual Orientation http://ijso.huc.edu/SynOrg/ Muslims for Progressive Values http://mpvusa.org/ may help you find a mosque or prayer space near you. I haven’t been able to find a clearinghouse for LGBTQ-inclusive Buddhist sanghas or meditation groups; if you know of such a resource, please let me know!
Personally, I believe that God loves all of us, gay, straight, bi, or trans, regardless of our choice of religion, or our choice of no religion, our faith, or our lack thereof. When I hear about people using so-called Christianity to justify rejecting or shaming others, particularly their own children, it makes me even more determined to publicly identify as a Christian. I want to make it clear that not all Christians are intolerant; furthermore, not all Christians are heterosexual!
Whether or not we are parents, we can support the children in our lives. Love them. Accept them. Let them know that they are wonderful and lovable just as they are, always. As we teach our children that we accept them as they are, we teach them to accept others.
Leelah Alcorn reposted a list on her blog, originally written by feminist-fangirl on December 9, entitled “How to Deal with Your Kid Being Trans
1. buy them new clothes and other accessories to make them feel more comfortable
2. slam dunk the old clothes into the nearest donation center where they belong
3. respect your child’s identity and use whatever name and pronouns they want you to use
yup
it’s really not hard”
Rest in peace, Leelah. It’s time for us to follow Mother Jones’ advice: “Pray for the dead, and fight like hell for the living.” In addition to supporting our own children, and the children in our lives, we can support efforts to ban “conversion therapy” aimed at lesbian, gay, bi, and trans youth. Visit http://www.leelahslaw.com/ to learn more about how you can help.