I never had to suffer through having my parent trying to cure me of being transgender, because I knew from the start that something like this would never be accepted in our christian home. I struggled greatly through most of my childhood and was sent to christian therapist after therapist to try and help. At one point the decision was even made to send me to a mental hospital because my parents couldn’t figure out how to fix my depression and anger. This did nothing but teach me how to shut things deep within myself. My mother knew that I had been in her cloths and even her makeup on many occasions, but she kept this to herself. I was to fearful and she simply didn’t want to talk about it. I know this now after coming out to here last year and her letting me know that she knew something was going on but she was too afraid to deal with it. Apparently at the very least she thought I might be gay and was just hoping that it would go away. So my childhood went on and medications were prescribed, but nothing ever helped. No amount of praying for relief, and asking for God’s guidance ever took away the need for female expression. I simply had a parent that was unwilling to deal with what was going on in front of her. I did all that I could to try and deal with what I had felt and eventually managed to repress things for a long while. It wasn’t gone however and the more I tried to hide it from myself the more trouble it caused me, up to the point that I was a trigger pull away from ending it all. But that was the first 32 years of my life. This letter tells just a bit about the new life I have found.
Originally posted 8/2014
I have been trying to figure out the best way to truly explain what is going on in my life to those around me. I find that when I really start looking into the science behind it all I don’t fully understand it myself, but my inability to fully understand the research that has been and is being done does not make what I am going through any less real. I have only talked to some friends and most of my close family, but I am sure that my being transgender has reached much further. How far out I don’t know, I know that a few other family members have been told but I really don’t know to what extent this information has been passed along.
I know that some that I have told about who I am have voiced concern and feelings that what I am doing is morally and religiously wrong. We are all allowed to have our opinions on what is going on in the lives of those around us, but someone else’s opinion will not steer me in a new direction. I don’t know how to explain to any of you what it was like for me growing up. At some times things seemed okay and even enjoyable, but ever since I was a child I have known that I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I have had a few moments of outcry in my younger years that I still don’t understand how I managed to ignore. One such instance was late one Saturday night before my parents had divorced I was the only one still awake in the house and for what ever reason my need for female expression became so strong that I couldn’t hold it back. With tears running down my face I walked out into the garage and through the broken window on the garage door I screamed into the night that I wanted to be a girl. I have no idea who I hoped would hear my cry but it was something that I simply had to say. Tears still streaming and feeling so shameful for having these desires I went back to bed and cried myself to sleep.
Last December I had reached my breaking point, and I could no longer hold this within me. I can not say what was going through my mind that told me that I needed to seek help, but I contacted a therapist that specialized in gender dysphoria and made an appointment for the end of the week. After seeing my therapist I felt a seance of calm that I had never really felt before. I guess that simple fact that I was finally dealing with something that I had been trying to repress for the large part of my life was a huge relief. I never expected this to happen but that very night was the night that I came out to myself. All night long I tried to sleep but couldn’t, a migraine headache unlike any I had ever felt before built and built for hours. My heart rate only increased in pace until at about 6am I felt as if I was either going to have a heart attack or just explode. It was at this time that I started to pray. I prayed that God would calm my heart and mind and guild me to the answers that I was trying to find. This went on for about 30 minutes, but somewhere in that time I had a realization that I had been repressing a huge part of who I was. I had a female within me that had never been allowed to breath, to see the light of day and feel the warmth of the sun. I could not believe what I had just come to understand, but I could not have been more relived and elated to have figured this out.
That day was arguably the greatest day of my life up to that point. The light of the day just seemed so much brighter, colors seemed so much more vivid and I felt a joy in my life I had never known. That day was Kaylee’s first day in the world. Regardless of if my appearance would make anyone I met see me as Kaylee she was still out and seeing the world for the first time. For a few weeks I went on thinking that Kaylee was a part of me that I had kept repressed for so long, but one day while drinking some tea and reading I came to the understanding that Kaylee was not just a part of my, she is who I am. The plain and simple fact of it is that I am of female mind regardless what I may look like physically. I am Kaylee and though it may be hard for you to understand, I have made the decision to transition to a female role in this life. I simply can not repress who I am any longer. It very nearly killed me and I simply will not go back to a life filled with so much pain that I wished to end it.
So yes I am taking steps to make myself appear as female as possible. This won’t be an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination but it is one that I must undergo. I have been taking Hormone replacement therapy for about 4 months now and at this point my hormone levels are that of a genetic female. I can only hope that my genetics will react well with the hormones alone and do a great deal to feminize my appearance. I have being doing quite a bit more to try and give my self the best chances that I can. I have lost just over 100 lbs since December and plan on going down another 110 lbs if I am able. I have been getting laser hair removal treatments to help to remove my facial hair. I have far more to do and so much more to learn, but I am on the path for my life and on this path I have finally known peace. I am not saying that I don’t have rough days but they are nothing in comparison the the days that kept me from wanting to do nothing more than to sleep so that I didn’t have to deal with being alive.
So there it is……. The person that for many years you have known as Brandon is not the person you thought they were. He was a she all along just desperately trying to hold on and barely doing so most of the time. If this transition is something that you simply can’t be a part of then so be it, but if you wish to get to know Kaylee then I welcome your friendship. I am not saying that I am a completely different person from the one you have know, but I am by no means that same. I am finally finding myself and in doing so, who I am will shift to some degree.
I feel like I have rambled a good bit at this point so I will wrap up with this. Thank you for reading what I have to say and I hope that you can try and understand what I have said without to much confusion. If you have any questions please feel free to contact me, but if you only wish to contact me to tell me how wrong you feel what I am doing is, I ask that you keep those feelings and opinions to yourself.
Thank you
Kaylee