Finding Out Identity

I’m 19 years old and am a Male to Female transgender. I currently live in a very conservative, religious small town. I always knew there was something different about me, even to my earliest memories, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it. While I played with “boy toys” and never really seemed girly to others, I would always want to be the heroines of my favorite shows (Totally Spies and Sailor Moon, in case you were wondering). I was never vocal about it, but I spent every day as a heroine of some sort in my imagination. As I got older, I realized there was something odd and that regular boys didn’t do that sort of thing. I started to act more masculine on the outside, thinking I could “fix” myself, but I just couldn’t get rid of that feeling I kept pushing away. That anxiety coupled with my Dad being diagnosed with ALS and his eventual death drove me crazy. I began to cut myself and even attempted suicide once. A few years after he was gone, I learned about transgenders. It finally clicked and I knew what I was, but I heard and saw all the negativity against them and was too afraid to come out. At least, until last year. I finally got the courage to come out to my mom. We argued a lot, and for a while she thought I was insane. She remembered how I would play with “boy toys” and thought because I didn’t fit the stereotype that I couldn’t be transgender and that it was just a phase. But now we’ve had some time to talk things over, and we went to an impartial psychiatrist who gave us all the facts and details, and now she’s super supportive along with a few close friends! But still, given how hostile my community is, I’ve made little progress in transitioning. It’s a terrifying thought honestly. But Leelah’s story inspired me. She was able to be true to herself despite everything, even though she wasn’t lucky enough to have the support I have. I don’t think I would be able to live with myself any longer, wasting the love and support that so many would yearn for. So, I’ve finally made the decision to start the transition process. I owe Leelah for giving me the courage, and this page for giving me something to be passionate about. Thank you so much. Let’s get Leelah’s Law passed! No one should have to go through that kind of hell! And if there’s anyone like me who has been hesitating, I personally think they should go for it. More than being afraid of discrimination, I think the real thing we should be afraid of is regret. No one should live in regret over the things they could have done or the person they could have been.

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