It appeared to me that I was transgender roughly five months ago. I literally woke up with it, having recently been curious of what I’d look like as a girl. The first week was filled with so much joy. Pure. Like Leelah, I had discovered my true identity. It gave me the defining motivation to quit the unhealthy lifestyle that my depression and unrest had led me to. I realized these psychological problems were caused by my gender dysphoria, and know this because they subsided significantly once I figured out. It felt more like a secret every day I didn’t tell my family. There’s a lot of fear involved. But any doubt I’ve had comes right back to my destructive tendency to take the easy way out. Cisgender people don’t usually ask this question of themselves. If I hate my own sex, well then, I am transgender indeed. Gradually my past made all the sense in the world. I remembered having a strong desire to become a girl in the previous three years, but recalled waving it away as wishful thinking. Even though I was aware that I would’ve been better off as one, my mind wouldn’t let me go beyond that. Can’t erase the pain inside without a storm within.[1] I turned 23 a few months ago and I’m determined to face my 24th birthday as myself. In Norway the waiting period for hormones is torturous and pretty much the basis for my first suicidal ideation. I can’t wait to start HRT so I can become the one I’ve locked away for years.[2] So I’m not restrained, hiding in the body I’m supposed to live in.[3] Whatever the consequences, there’s no way I’m not doing this. I just wanna be a girl already. Like Buffy ._.
1. From Machinae Supremacy’s song “Skin”, which gave way to immense relief in troubled times. It’s about transformation and stuff! <3 <3 <3
2. From Circus Maximus’ song “Reach Within”. The sheer tonnage of emotion this song brought me allowed me mental support.
3. “Skin” again ≧◡≦ #MaSuLove